Violet (![[info]](http://www.insanejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif){kind=small} violet_quill) wrote,@ 2007-07-25 08:01:00 |
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What Really Happened, the Dark Lord 2007 Remix
BECAUSE WE ALL KNOW BY NOW THAT LJ BLACK-OUTS ARE NO ACCIDENT. (Re-posting this from GJ.) Now with Epilogue! LOL.
Title: What Really Happened, or How Voldemort Learned to Stop Worrying and Start Loving the Fandom
Rating: PG-13
Summary: LJ is down, shortly after a certain book release... surely this is not a coincidence.
Notes: This contains a spoiler for DH.
Voldemort had been mostly dead for nearly three days. After all, fictional Dark Lords are a lot like fairies. Ten years of being BELIEVED IN... and then all of a sudden, the number of believers dropped below critical mass over the period of a single fateful day - July 21, 2007. And Voldemort was no more. Or rather, he went where all dead fictional characters go - the Internet. Because if your author was enough of a douche to off you in canon, your only refuge is trolling for fanfiction
He didn't have to look very hard once he got there. He ran into Sirius Black, who had tragically been shackled by a rabid group of teenage girls with bad grammar to something call FANFICTION.NET, and even though Sirius called out pitifully and asked for help, Voldemort just stuck his tongue out and continued on.
He found himself briefly at a magical place called FICTION ALLEY, but quickly found that... dear god, he was being offed here in more horrendous ways than he had been in canon! Everyone seemed to think he was such a Bad Guy. After reading through the fifth story in a row in which Harry Potter heroically killed him and then married Ginny/Hermione/Luna and had a million babies, Voldemort felt a little nauseated. Obviously he needed go find somewhere where the minds were a little more twisted...
And that was when Voldemort found LIVEJOURNAL. Oh, it was BEAUTIFUL. Within seconds, he found a dozen communities devoted to HIM and him alone, followers more twisted and devoted than even Bellatrix Lestrange. He found stories where he WON, stories where he tortured Harry and mocked the Good Guys, stories where he was Handsome and Clever and Wicked. And best of all, he found porn.
Oh, the porn! Oh, the sex he'd never had time to have because he'd been too busy making plans for world domination! He immediately decided that his author should have killed him off YEARS ago because obviously this was where the good stuff was. He spent hours and hours languishing in the Voldemort/Harry non-con and the Voldemort/Lucius/Snape threesomes and the Tom/Ginny twistedness and oh, the Death Eater orgies! (Though he did note to himself that he did not get nearly as much Play as he should have, proportionally, considering how very ugly Severus Snape is.)
He was getting well settled down when he started to read some more... and he discovered that there may well be a conspiracy to END IT ALL. He read a community called LJ_biz. He read about STRIKETHROUGH '07. About something called "obscenity laws" and how his beloved pornish_pixies may not even be safe. And so, with a howl of anguish, Voldemort headed to San Fransisco to give Six Apart a piece of his mind.
As it turned out, Six Apart did not have much to say to a non-corporeal fictional dead Dark Lord. Though they did, he noted, listen to him slightly more than to the average fandomer. Finally he had had enough chit-chat, so he drew his wand and threatened everyone he saw, demanding to seek out who was in charge.
He finally found himself face to face with someone called Burr, but Voldemort saw at once that he was no real threat, and so dispatched of him quickly.
THEN, he stood in front of the desk of Barak. He stated his case. Dark Lords need love too, he said. They need love in the form of fictional nubile young wizards. They need love in the form of explicit fictional sex scenes. They need love in the form of INCEST/NON-CON/UNDERAGED SEX of the fictional variety.
Barak stared at him for a few moments and then stammared, "... advertisers?"
At which point Voldemort howled "AVADA KEDAVRA!" and then swept out of the room, LAYING WASTE to Six Apart as he did so.
... only when he finished and stood amidst the rubble did he realize what he'd done.
"Oh, bugger," he said.
SO NOT TO WORRY, OH LJ FANDOMERS. VOLDEMORT IS CURRENTLY WORKING ON GETTING LIVEJOURNAL BACK TO RUNNING AT FULL CAPACITY. HE APOLOGIZES PROFUSELY FOR THIS INCONVENIENCE AND SAYS THAT IF YOU WANT TO HELP, YOU CAN WRITE PORN. OR SEND FRUIT BASKETS. OR THE HEAD OF HARRY POTTER ON A STICK.
EPILOGUE:
And thus Voldemort fixed the servers and all was well.
But he will be keeping a watchful eye... and anyone who tries to take away the porn will KNOW HIS WRATH.
Meanwhile he married Bellatrix Lestrange and had two children named Merope Lily and Regulus Phineas
The End.
BECAUSE WE ALL KNOW BY NOW THAT LJ BLACK-OUTS ARE NO ACCIDENT. (Re-posting this from GJ.) Now with Epilogue! LOL.
Title: What Really Happened, or How Voldemort Learned to Stop Worrying and Start Loving the Fandom
Rating: PG-13
Summary: LJ is down, shortly after a certain book release... surely this is not a coincidence.
Notes: This contains a spoiler for DH.
Voldemort had been mostly dead for nearly three days. After all, fictional Dark Lords are a lot like fairies. Ten years of being BELIEVED IN... and then all of a sudden, the number of believers dropped below critical mass over the period of a single fateful day - July 21, 2007. And Voldemort was no more. Or rather, he went where all dead fictional characters go - the Internet. Because if your author was enough of a douche to off you in canon, your only refuge is trolling for fanfiction
He didn't have to look very hard once he got there. He ran into Sirius Black, who had tragically been shackled by a rabid group of teenage girls with bad grammar to something call FANFICTION.NET, and even though Sirius called out pitifully and asked for help, Voldemort just stuck his tongue out and continued on.
He found himself briefly at a magical place called FICTION ALLEY, but quickly found that... dear god, he was being offed here in more horrendous ways than he had been in canon! Everyone seemed to think he was such a Bad Guy. After reading through the fifth story in a row in which Harry Potter heroically killed him and then married Ginny/Hermione/Luna and had a million babies, Voldemort felt a little nauseated. Obviously he needed go find somewhere where the minds were a little more twisted...
And that was when Voldemort found LIVEJOURNAL. Oh, it was BEAUTIFUL. Within seconds, he found a dozen communities devoted to HIM and him alone, followers more twisted and devoted than even Bellatrix Lestrange. He found stories where he WON, stories where he tortured Harry and mocked the Good Guys, stories where he was Handsome and Clever and Wicked. And best of all, he found porn.
Oh, the porn! Oh, the sex he'd never had time to have because he'd been too busy making plans for world domination! He immediately decided that his author should have killed him off YEARS ago because obviously this was where the good stuff was. He spent hours and hours languishing in the Voldemort/Harry non-con and the Voldemort/Lucius/Snape threesomes and the Tom/Ginny twistedness and oh, the Death Eater orgies! (Though he did note to himself that he did not get nearly as much Play as he should have, proportionally, considering how very ugly Severus Snape is.)
He was getting well settled down when he started to read some more... and he discovered that there may well be a conspiracy to END IT ALL. He read a community called LJ_biz. He read about STRIKETHROUGH '07. About something called "obscenity laws" and how his beloved pornish_pixies may not even be safe. And so, with a howl of anguish, Voldemort headed to San Fransisco to give Six Apart a piece of his mind.
As it turned out, Six Apart did not have much to say to a non-corporeal fictional dead Dark Lord. Though they did, he noted, listen to him slightly more than to the average fandomer. Finally he had had enough chit-chat, so he drew his wand and threatened everyone he saw, demanding to seek out who was in charge.
He finally found himself face to face with someone called Burr, but Voldemort saw at once that he was no real threat, and so dispatched of him quickly.
THEN, he stood in front of the desk of Barak. He stated his case. Dark Lords need love too, he said. They need love in the form of fictional nubile young wizards. They need love in the form of explicit fictional sex scenes. They need love in the form of INCEST/NON-CON/UNDERAGED SEX of the fictional variety.
Barak stared at him for a few moments and then stammared, "... advertisers?"
At which point Voldemort howled "AVADA KEDAVRA!" and then swept out of the room, LAYING WASTE to Six Apart as he did so.
... only when he finished and stood amidst the rubble did he realize what he'd done.
"Oh, bugger," he said.
SO NOT TO WORRY, OH LJ FANDOMERS. VOLDEMORT IS CURRENTLY WORKING ON GETTING LIVEJOURNAL BACK TO RUNNING AT FULL CAPACITY. HE APOLOGIZES PROFUSELY FOR THIS INCONVENIENCE AND SAYS THAT IF YOU WANT TO HELP, YOU CAN WRITE PORN. OR SEND FRUIT BASKETS. OR THE HEAD OF HARRY POTTER ON A STICK.
EPILOGUE:
And thus Voldemort fixed the servers and all was well.
But he will be keeping a watchful eye... and anyone who tries to take away the porn will KNOW HIS WRATH.
The End.