If My F-List Wrote DH
Let's pretend, for a moment, as I did back in 2005 when HBP came out, that I did not read DH. That instead, I just read my friends list. Well, then I might assume that the plot of Deathly Hallows went something like this...


The book begins with a Death Eater orgy pow-wow at the Malfoy crib. Lucius has stopped using proper hair care products, a bunch of Snaco shippers made sadfaces when Draco and Snape showed up there instead of being on the lam together, and one Charity Burbage had her entire lifespan in the length of a paragraph. RIP what's-her-name.

Harry and the Dursleys finally part, which is uninteresting except that Dudley might be OMGHOT now and there might have been a handshake that, if they existed, would have caused Harry/Dudley shippers to wet themselves, but instead spontaneously created BRAND NEW Harry/Dudley shippers (who then wet themselves). Then Harry meets up with the Gang, and there is much rejoicing. Oh, and Remus and Tonks are married (probably because she botched a contraceptive potion on purpose and is knocked up - she's continuing to be pretty much the Worst Character Ever, while Remus is just pitiful and still pining away for Sirius Snape someone).

Also, everyone sees Harry naked. Six times. Sometimes with frilly underwear.

Apparently someone dies. Not sure who. Probably someone unattractive who doesn't get much fanfic. Oh, but George's ear also bites the big one, which is Tragic.

Ron gives Harry a book for his birthday all about how to brainwash and/or date rape women. Harry immediately tries it out on Ginny, to stellar results. Meanwhile, there is a wedding, and it begins that Dumbledore May Not Be Exactly As He Seemed. More boring stuff happens and then BAM Death Eaters! And the trio embarks upon their Incredible Journey.

Apparently the Incredible Journey is kind of boring for a while - Harry eventually figures out about R.A.B., proving that maybe he is as smart as the lowest common denominator in fandom. Also, Kreacher is suddenly Really Cute.

Lupin comes for a visit and supplants his wife as the Worst Character Ever Written. Remus/Tonks shippers make sadfaces. Lupin slashers find themselves Confused because they're supposed to hate Tonks, but omg leaving a wife and baby? That's just Not On! Even if your wife is a Mary Sue! This scene goes on for an excruciatingly long time. It is immediately followed by commentary on how irresponsible Tonks was for getting pregnant during a war. Anyone who mentions that Remus might also be irresponsible (especially if it involves pointing out that he once forgot his medicine and almost ate some people) is immediately flagged as an Enemy of the State.

Meanwhile, Neville is at Hogwarts kicking ass and taking names.

Something happens at the Ministry. No idea what, except that there might be something about Muggle-borns that was obviously plagiarized from X-Men and/or World War II. But the trio wind up with a Horcrux, in the woods, and all is well. There may or may not be trio!sex in the woods, but suddenly there is a new character to worry about: The Thief. Who is obviously very important because he is Handsome.

Also, Ron leaves. Because he is possessed/a prat/selfish/a woobie/awesome. There may or may not be Harry/Hermione comfort!sex, but they definitely go to Godric's Hollow. A major plot point is that James and Lily had a cat. Also, there is something about a woman turning into a snake. It's gross. Hermione saves the day (again).

Suddenly we learn a lot more about Dumbledore, the most important bit of that being that he and Grindelwald used to shag like bunnies. Who'd have guessed? Also, there is a lake, there is a silver doe, and there is Ron being the Big Hero. Also there is a final Harry/Hermione moment involving ghosts. The Harmonians wet themselves and then cling to each other and weep.

More boring stuff until the trio get OMGCAPTURED and end up at the Malfoy crib where Draco may or may not be evil/redeemed/boring/blond. Bellatrix molests tortures Hermione. But then, Dobby saves the day! And then he dies. And suddenly everyone who found him incredibly annoying back in Book 2 and said nasty things about him like comparing him to Jar-Jar is a huge Dobby fan. He gets a funeral surpassed only be Dumbledore's.

There's a little bit of downtime, and Tonks gives birth to Teddy Ruxpin. And Lupin is so cute about it that even the slashers can't help but go "awww". Maybe. Just a little. But everyone forgives him for being a prat earlier because he's Lupin and everyone loves him.

Then something happens at a bank, a bunch of people scream SEE IT'S NOT NORBERT and then there is another horcrux. Also, Aberforth kicks some ass, and Neville comes through a mirror like a badass. Awesome things begin to happen. It is the Climax. Ravenclaw house is suddenly a much cooler place to be. Also Neville is still the best thing since sliced bread. Also, there is a very long scene in which Percy is redeemed, kicks ass and takes names, tells off the Minister, is adorable, and is almost up there with Neville and the sliced bread.

Someone dies.

... wait, what? Someone died? Half of fandom flips back and re-reads. Colin, Fred, Remus, and Tonks all died within the space of about two words and obviously had NO POINT WHATSOEVER. Anyone who suggests otherwise is an Enemy of the State. Fandom inserts a 100 page moment of silence.

Okay, dead people are boring, back to the action. The action, of course, being Severus Snape. Harry watches Voldemort kill him, and then kneels beside him and Snape says, "Harry, I am your..." Okay, no he doesn't. He just spills penseive juice into a goblet and then dies. Well, probably.

The next third of the book is a chapter all about Snape and how he was in looooooove with Lily. This may or may not have been preceded with the warning, "may cause nausea." But then Snape says, hey maybe I wasn't in love with her, maybe it was just the guilt. And this goes back and forth for a long time until people decide they want to see how the book ends. Well, except for a few who yell BUT SNAPE IS DEAD IT IS ALL OVER and fling themselves off of buttresses.

Then Harry dies. Then Dumbledore Explains Everything, as he is wont to do. Then Harry comes back, possibly plagiarizing from Buffy the Vampire Slayer and/or the Bible. Then Harry kills Voldemort, but not before an evil overlord inspired monologue Explaining Everything. Also, Neville kills Nagini and is more awesome.

The rest of the chapter is taken up with ways that the dead may not really be dead. Especially Snape.

All of that was in the first 300 pages of the book and the remaining 400 are the epilogue, which may be written in crayon, and may or may not have been uploaded by JKR onto fanfiction.net many years ago. Slashers bang their heads against their respective walls, until Albus Severus and Scorpius show up and start snogging like mad. Yes, they're eleven, but we like to get them young!

Also, a major plot point is that Draco Malfoy is going bald.

Everyone lives happily ever after, especially the 3/4 of fandom that just ripped the epilogue out of their books.

THE END.